Take Back The Night

Last Friday was my first Take Back The Night and it was more than I ever expected it to be. After volunteering at the shelter for a few hours after class I went with M. to a special presention for community leaders on sexual assault presented by Michael Domitrz. Despite being a small group the audience represented at least five local agencies committed to helping victims of sexual assault and domestic violence and I was really happy with the turnout. I enjoyed Domitz's presentation but I wasn't particularly impressed and I had trouble seeing how most of his points applied to our agency. The main focus of his presentation was improving public relations and establishing community support, which thankfully has not been a problem in our area. Our campus does an amazing job with promoting awareness and educating students about sexual assault and has a very effective peer advocacy group. Our agency, Womens' Aid, is also very well-known and supported by the community along with several other organizations. I think that the struggle that most agencies have is not educating the community about our services, its the lack of resources we have to provide those services...but I'll save that for another post.

After the private presentation the auditorium filled up to about three hundred students and Domitrz gave his "May I Kiss You?" presention. This is where he won me over. I had been expecting this presentation to the same as the other half dozen sexual assault presentations I've heard since middle school and was surprised when it made me reevaluate how I thought about consent. I realized "May I kiss you?" was more than a gimmick, it was a revolutionary concept. For years the discussion surrounding consent could be reduced to the simple slogan, no means no, but how many times are we taught to ask, to give our partner a choice? Two days later and I can't shake that simple, frustrating question from my mind. The idea that we should respect our partners and ask for permission before engaging in any intimate contact with them and then honor their choice should not be not a revolutionary idea.

When Domitrz shared with the audience his experience as the brother of a sexual assault survivor and how it changed his family and inspired him to devote his life to prevention and education it made me appreciate him on a whole new level. He then encouraged everyone in the audience to contact a loved one and let them know that if they are ever assaulted that they'd be there for them. While he wanted the audience to open the door for a loved to ask for help, to be there and listen, but he also emphasized that it was important to make sure that they have the resources they need and that they should not try to become their counselor, for their sake and yours. This is something I struggle with. So many of my friends and family members have been sexually assualted and its difficult for me to refer them to someone else. It feels as though I'm rejecting or neglecting them. But I know, even with my training, I'm not in a position to offer that sort of support. I wish I wasn't so painfully aware of my limitations.

I was still preoccupied with these thoughts after we gathered for the march but once it began I got caught up in the excitement. I've never particapated in any sort of rally or march before and was skeptical about their impact. But after marching across town, hearing the honks of support from passing cars, the 'hell yeahs' of passing students, and even picking up a few new marchers on the way, I saw things differently. If the effect that such fierce support had on the many survivors there, providing them with encouragement and strength, isn't a meaningful message then I don't know what is. The march ended with a speak-out downtown. Even though we were all exhausted and had only planned on gathering for an hour or so, there were so many people who wanted to share their experience that we run way over time. By time I got home it was almost midnight, my feet were aching and my head was spinning, but I'm so glad I went. I've been feeling burned out lately and needed to rediscover that spark...